A Letter From Your Immune System
It's Christmas Eve, I should be relaxing quietly by the fire. I should not be working. Did you hear me, Rachel? I should not be working. Let alone working overtime. Our entire family is at the house singing carols and enjoying the fireplace. I should be standing in front of the tree, not the decongestant aisle.
Perhaps if you tried eating something green in the last month we could be at home. Or how about an orange?
Oh, no. Not that one. You put that back down. Rachel, I swear if you give me Dayquil I will spit it back up. I’m not afraid to throw up right here on aisle five.
Have I not taught you anything? It’s like no matter how hard I try to tell you that I want fresh fruits and salmon and veggies, you still feed me crap. And now we’re sick and I’m saying get me out of the medicine aisle and into the produce section right now, that's where you'll find the real remedy.
Ahh! No. You know how I feel about cough syrup. Put that down. What about hot tea and honey? Rachel? Are you listening to me? Apparently not.
As your immune system, (and the one doing all of the work) I strongly suggest you start taking preemptive action against sickness. Maybe next time it won't be a cold. Heart disease will be a little bit of a tougher battle. If you cut back on fried food and started eating legumes, low-fat sources of protein, and fish you could actually reverse the damage you have already done.
And perhaps that dress you want to wear on New Year's Eve would fit a little better (not that you don't look fab) if you weren't quite as bloated. Adding the recommended amount of fiber to your diet can keep your digestive system on track. So please, Rachel, put down the diuretic pills. You are only 23.
With the appropriate diet, you would be able to take 75% less pharmaceuticals. Think of all the extra cash you would have for shoes (Hello, leopard print stilettos!)
If we ate salmon now, which I might add your taste buds told me they quite enjoy, you won’t have to worry about your heart later. For me personally, I’d like to recommend more blueberries, spinach, and whole grains. I wouldn’t be feeling so weak right now and you wouldn’t be spending your holiday break sneezing, sleeping, and whining.
That’s the other thing, how can you sit there and ask people to bring you chicken noodle soup and a new box of tissues when this is all your fault? Since day one (I should know because I was there) your mom has encouraged healthy eating habits. She said eat your veggies, drink more water, and lay off the processed foods. You rebelled and reached for the Pop-tarts instead of the broccoli and look where it got us.
I know you asked for a new watch and Season 3 of Mad Men, which I do enjoy, but I’ve got a few gift requests myself. All I want for Christmas this year is a diet rich in fruits, veggies, whole grains, and low-fat dairy products. I want you to drop the Cheetos and grab the pomegranate. This holiday season I’m asking, begging, you to listen to me.
I know what we need. It’s not eggnog, it’s egg whites. It’s not doughnuts, it’s walnuts. And no matter how long it takes, I will convince you that skipping breakfast is a bad idea. Can I get an amen from your metabolism?! Thank you!
Well, you’re losing your voice and I’m losing my patience. We can talk about this again in January when resolution time rolls around. Until then, I say let’s grab that orange juice.
Your Immune System