You will learn how to deal successfully with those who try to sabotage your success.

Surprise! David shouted from the kitchen as Sheila entered the house. “You’ll never guess what we are having for dinner.” Sheila did not need to guess. The aroma of pepperoni pizza was a dead giveaway, and Sheila was not pleased. It was the second time in two weeks that David “surprised” her with a tasty, high-fat, high carbohydrate indulgence from their favorite Italian restaurant. “It just does not make sense,” Sheila said with a shrug. “David tells me he is thrilled that I decided to lose weight. But as soon as I lose a few pounds, he starts undermining my success. I can not help but wonder “What is going on here?”

If you have ever tried losing weight before, chances are you understand Sheila’s frustration. Perhaps it was your mother who insisted on making her famous homemade pork sausage lasagna. It may have been the workout buddy who told mutual friends how great you are doing but refused to compliment you face to face. Maybe it was your sister, who sent that two-pound box of gourmet chocolates for your birthday even though she knew you were determined to avoid fat and sugar. You know they love and care about you . . . so why do they behave in ways that feel more like sabotage than support?

What Motivates Diet Saboteurs?

 By now it should come as no surprise that many people are threatened by change. In some situations, the people around you may genuinely believe they want you to achieve your goal, yet fear that you – - or their relationship with you – - may somehow change if you succeed. They prefer the balance and order of your existing relationship – - the way things are – - over the unknown and the way things might be. This undermines their ability to support you. They become “diet saboteurs, often without realizing what they are doing. It is also possible that your newfound self-control is making your diet saboteurs feel self-conscious, stirring concerns that if you look better, it will make them look worse. Maybe they are comfortable being the one with the nice body or pretty face while you are the one with the “great personality.” Your progress may also be a reminder that they are no closer to their own goals than they were a year ago.

It is important to understand that while diet saboteurs can be maddening, their behavior is seldom premeditated or intentionally cruel. When Sheila asked David, “Why are you doing this to me? Don’t you want me to lose weight?” he was dumbfounded. “Of course I do!” he responded.

But Sheila found David’s words inconsistent with his recent actions and she told him so. During one of their talks, David eventually acknowledged that perhaps he was feeling “a little threatened” by Sheila’s determination to lose the 50 pounds she had gained since their wedding three years earlier. “He told me it always bothered him when other men used to turn to look at me,” Sheila says. “That rarely happened when I was heavier, which suited him just fine. Once we talked about how his inner conflicts were getting in the way of supporting me to achieve something I really wanted, we were able to work it through. Now he is reassured that he is the man for me and I feel better knowing he really has my best interest at heart. We have been walking together every night. What began as a conflict ended up being a real gift to our relationship.”

There is an important lesson here. Open, honest communication can cut through the cobwebs of misunderstanding, unspoken feelings, and unresolved conflicts.

A Four-Step Strategy For Dealing With Saboteurs

The next time you believe someone is interfering with your weight loss, deal with it directly. Confrontation is rarely necessary, but candor is. This four-step approach will help:

1. State the problem. Be specific. Example: “I am committed to my weight-loss program, but it is not always easy. When you offer me potato chips, it only makes it more difficult.”
2. Explain how you feel about the problem and why you need help with the resolution. Example: “I am frustrated. I know you care about me, but some of the things you have been doing lately are making it tough. You mean a lot to me and I know this is something we can work through.”
3. Detail what you want. Do not assume the other person will instinctively know how to provide support. Example: “I’d like it if our time together did not center on food so often. Instead of meeting for dinner next week, why don’t we take in a movie or go for a walk at the park?”
4. Describe the results you expect and the benefits of your success. This is an opportunity to reaffirm your goal. Example: I am going to feel and look healthier, and I want you to know how much it means to me to know you are supporting me.”

Is asking for support always easy? No. But as Sheila will tell you, it is definitely worth the effort.

Your Turn

Who are your diet saboteurs? Take a closer look at your relationship with each of the people who came to mind and ask yourself the following questions:

•  What do you think motivates them to sabotage your weight-loss efforts?

• Are they usually supportive in others parts of your life?

•  If so, what can they do – - or stop doing – - to be more supportive?

• If they are never supportive, what are you getting out of the relationship that motivates you to continue it?

Caroline J. Cederquist, MD